So I had a paradigm shifting stream of consciousness last
night. There’s a loaded statement. It’s strange, because even though I know that
this perspective is good and correct, it is so easy to slide back to my old
outlook.
It started when Mark shared that a friend had asked him if
we were done adopting. Of course Mark
said, “YES! No more kids!” J I immediately said, “No, I’m not done.” ;) So,
I began to ponder life’s meaning. I
know, that’s a pretty big undertaking.
But what is it really all about?
Why are we here? What is our
purpose? It gets a little heavier than
this… Up to this point, we have been
more than happy to adopt children with special needs, but one requirement is
that someday they would be able to be independent and on their own. It was about to “get easier”. Addi and Ryan are getting close to
kindergarten. Meilynn and Brayden are
pretty self-sufficient. Jayson and
Kaitlyn entertain themselves and follow directions pretty well. Enter our sweet Greyson. He turned my world upside down. This was not a simple, he will have English
pretty well down by the end of summer.
We will start him a grade lower and he will excel like Meilynn. He struggles.
So, that lead me down the path of questioning, what is my
end goal? What is my purpose? When will I know I “have arrived”? You see, I thought it would be when I had
enough money to pay all of my bills and have extra for a nice trip to
Disney. Or maybe, it would be when I had
paid off my house, retired from my job, and all of my kiddos were in their own
homes with families of their own. But
wait, something was wrong…
Is this why God created me?
So I could get to my self-imposed “finish line”? What is His finish line? When have I “arrived” in His eyes? Uh-oh, I’m not sure He has a finish line this
side of Heaven… I have an entire
eternity to live carefree and worship Him for the entire day. That’s my finish line. That’s my happy ending. This life, this is the race. This is the part where I live for His purpose
every day! Not to make myself happy or
attain some sort of reward or life I believe I am entitled to.
I’m not gonna lie… This is TOUGH! The “World” will try and change my
perspective into the socially accepted norm on a daily basis. Maybe, “taking up my cross daily” is just
this. Change out the viewpoint I’ve had
and see things from God’s perspective.
That’s not to say that we can’t be happy or can’t have joys (family
trips to Disney, retirement, parties).
But, I need to stop working towards some futuristic finish line and
live, serve, and love where I’m at right now!
I can’t stop until I’ve reached Heaven.
Will we adopt again?
I don’t know. But I do know that
God intended me to love these kiddos, His kiddos, with a fierce mama love. And if we are called to again, then I can relax
when I get to Heaven someday. THEN I
will have reached the finish line.
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